John Nicholson and Alan Tyers prop themselves upright, inject adrenalin into their faces and continue their census of telly's football citizenry, this week turning their attention to the man formerly, and indeed currently, known as Paul Scholes.
Fashion Police
Scholes looks like a man in a Lowry painting, trudging home from an Oldham mill at 4.25pm on a wet December Tuesday, the collar of his dark grey gabardine mac turned up against the drizzle, a look on his face that lingers between distress at his own misery and yet, at the same time, finding pleasure in it. You could dress him in white tie and tails and spend half a day on his hair and make-up and he would still look like an arsey fourth-former who had been bullied into his clothes to go to a family christening. More likely to wear a tie around his head than around his neck, not as an act of rebellion, but more out of simple inability to dress himself.
To say clothes are not an issue on Planet Scholesy would be to suggest that he even knew what clothes were and we're not sure he does. A man for whom supermarket-bought clothing was created.
Lingo Bingo
Flat, gruff tones invest his words with a sort of sardonic belligerence, also known as Being From Near Manchester. We like this a lot, but clearly it's not to everyone's taste. Shaping up nicely as a Professional Northerner for whom misery is life's only happiness. Smiling is clearly something that he finds a largely unnecessary affectation. When one does crack his face, he looks vulnerable, suddenly, as though caught in public in only his underwear. A grin, like the sun in July in Manchester, doesn't last long.
Hits And Misses
Has enjoyed some good early success with various outspoken criticisms. Has had pops at Yaya Toure (understandable, foreign), Jack Wilshere (laughably pale pretender to Scholes throne) and Louis van Gaal (justifiable if somewhat bold claims). Most interestingly, had a go at Wayne Rooney at the World Cup, implying that Rooney was past his peak. Hardly incendiary, but in the chummy world of the recently retired footballer turned pundit, was surprisingly forthright. We feel any critique of Rooney is a welcome balance to TV's limitless adoration for the merkin-headed striker, regardless of the Scouser's often very patchy form.
Scholes is definitely at his best when throwing his little observational hand grenades. That's his gig. The extended chat-a-thon is a different art form which, early indications would suggest, stretches the Scholes lexicon of interesting expressions to tedium's breaking point.
Take this week's Madrid European Cup quarter-final: "I don't think psychology will play a part. This is a difficult place to come. Koke is a really good player. He has forced himself into the Spanish team which is a hard thing to do. Atletico are a hard-working team, two banks of four."
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